Right now, millions of you have gathered together with family and friends to laugh and sing and exchange gifts around the Christmas tree. And it's on this day that Cracked.com would like to take time to say you need to put a stop to that shit, right now.
Throw that fire hazard back in the woods and keep your socks on your goddamn feet.
The war on Christmas
See, for years Bill O'Reilly types have been talking about a "war on Christmas" and while we haven't taken the time to research the details, we want Bill to know we are ready to join that war. Tell us what we need to do, Bill. Meet us in the parking lot -- we're here with switchblades and baseball bats, and one dude brought a spear gun (Ha-ha! What the fuck, Steve?).
Seriously, it was kind of funny when he brought that ax to the bake sale, but now we're a little freaked out.
We're ready. Everyone is drunk, fists raised, steel clinking against steel. Santa Claaaaaauuuussss! Come out and plaaaaaayyyy!!!
When our crew rides on Christmas, it's gonna wish it had kept its head down like Arbor Day. When Santa drops into our house, he gets treated like those robbers from Home Alone. If he slides down our chimney, before his toes touch logs he's gonna feel a steel-toe boot to the dick.
Nothing says Christmas like claymores by the fireplace.
What's our beef with Christmas?
The fact that you even have to ask means you should call your health insurance company and warn them that they're about to run out of health insurance because you're going to use it all. Clearly, the holiday has become too commercialized -- if an alien landed on Earth today, he'd report back that Christmas was a celebration of Las Vegas-style blinking lights, angry drivers and gift cards. The soul is gone; it's not like the simple, down-home Christmases we remember from our childhoods in the late 1980s.
It's time for a new holiday, a simpler holiday.
A malt liquor holiday.
Enter Crackedmas.
The date: Dec. 28.
Why that date? That's the date our book, You Might Be a Zombie and Other Bad News: Shocking but Utterly True Facts -- containing 18 articles you cannot read anywhere but the book, plus illustrations by Web comic luminaries like Nedroid -- is unleashed on a materialistic and unbelieving public, in fulfillment of the ancient prophecy.
Ia! Ia! Cracked fhtagn!
Now, we are not saying that Crackedmas is based entirely around the purchasing of our book, or that we have been vandalizing Christmas decorations for two weeks just because our book happens to be coming out on a different day.
No, the holiday is when you read our book. You can purchase it right now.
Crackedmas is about coming back home on the 28th, exhausted, having endured a long Christmas weekend with your in-laws and hours of pissed-off traffic ... then seeing a little brown cardboard box the UPS man left leaning against your door, knowing that it contains more hours of joy and laughter than even the most loving family will ever, ever be able to provide you (320 pages worth).
This, on the other hand, is amusing for roughly seven minutes.
If you didn't have the cash to pre-order before Crackedmas, well, that's what this so-called "Christmas" is for -- you invariably received or will receive money or gift cards from some family member who either didn't feel like shopping or has no clue what things you like. As long as it's more than 10 or 15 bucks, you can basically get our book for free. There is mathematically nothing you can spend the money on that, dollar for dollar, will bring you more pleasure. You will look on that aunt or cousin in a new light, as you realize that they accidentally gave you the greatest gift any human has ever given another.
Yeah, good call on the murder-wagon there, asshole.
If you insist on flipping through a physical copy before you part with your cash, for fear that we just filled the 320 pages with crude renderings of dongs (something the publisher actually killed at the proposal stage), then you'll need to spend some time in a bookstore. But if you're a dude, be careful -- when the girl behind the counter sees you buying the Cracked book, primal mating instinct will take over, and she will dive across the register and reach frantically for your junk. If you're a woman, she will try to murder you out of jealousy.
The point is, we're not telling you how to celebrate Crackedmas. All people should, according to their own beliefs, decide in what exact format they want to enjoy You Might Be a Zombie and Other Bad News: Shocking but Utterly True Facts, and which retailer they want to purchase it from.
As for those of you who still believe in Christmas, who believe the day is sacred and are uncomfortable with the fact that our crew has beef, we respect your opinion. But you need to respect our position, which is that we're published writers now, which means 1) we all have beards, and 2) we are fighting drunk all of the time. That's literally what being an author is.
Finally, we can write off all our drugs and firearms as business-related expenses.
So Santa? Rudolph? Frosty? And those bastards who make those giant red bows they put on top of the new cars that those douchey young couples get for each other in the Lexus commercials? It's Crackedmas Eve Eve Eve, and you need to watch your ass.
In most states, you can legally shoot both reindeer and home inva
Some animals are boring, and that's fine: They're all gathering nuts or looking for mates or marking territory or some stupid shit. Hey, you know, whatever floats your boat, squirrel. We prefer the animals that just straight don't give a fuck: the ones that punch sharks in the dick, ghost-ride somebody else's whip, beer-bong tequila and look you dead in the eye while plowing your girlfriend. Animals like:
#6.
Mongoose
It's common knowledge that the mongoose and the snake are mortal enemies. And you'd think that statement is one-sided: On the one hand, you've got the very emblem of evil and sin -- a scaled, wriggling tube of poison, fangs and death. On the other hand you've got what looks like a cross between a rat and Prince Charles.
If they allowed bets on interspecies rivalries, we'd lay our money square on the snake, every time. And we would lose that money, for one very simple reason: because the mongoose isn't fighting snakes for food, or for territory, or for survival -- it's fighting snakes because fuck snakes. That's seriously the reason why: Occasionally you will see a mongoose eating the meat from a defeated snake, but as a general rule, they prefer to avoid it. Yet they still actively seek out and hunt snakes, oftentimes ones larger than themselves. Some species of mongoose have even been known to fight king cobras, a snake so badass it literally eats other, lesser snakes for breakfast. The iconography of the king cobra inundates our culture, and from Commander to Kai, it is always used to intimidate. The hood, the hypnotic weaving, the forked tongue -- every visual aspect of the king cobra screams rotten death and fear.
Aww, aren't they just darling? The tree shrew looks like a real-life anime character, all big, round eyes, adorable little paws and tiny mouth. If that thing spoke, it would have the squeaky voice of a preteen Japanese girl, and it would teach jaded sword-wielding teenagers the importance of nature through its precocious antics.
"Listen! Cocklebur can be fatal if fed to livestock!"
But the pen-tailed tree shrew isn't all cuteness and innocence. It's on this list because it eats only one thing: The fermented nectar from the bertam palm plant of Malaysia. This nectar is naturally fermented inside the plant to have an alcohol content of around 3.8 percent, roughly equivalent to one (cheap) human beer. Now, these shrews aren't the only animals on Earth that drink alcohol -- bats, birds, monkeys and many other creatures drink on occasion -- but we meant it literally when we said they consume only one thing: booze. That is their sole sustenance. They do nothing but get blasted, every hour of every day of every year of their lives. These guys spend an average of two hours a day doing nothing but drinking the bertam liquor, an amount roughly equivalent to about 10 to 12 glasses of wine for a human, all in one sitting.
The Kennedys of the wild.
So yes, it might look like it's about to do a series of tiny cartwheels while singing you a little song about where rainbows come from, but if it did, it would probably vomit on your pants afterward and then take a swing at you for "judging it with your eyes."
#4.
Wolverine
This one should come as no surprise to anybody: They didn't name the comic book character after the wolverine because he's often found on the tundra and scent-marks his territory (although it might make for a better comic book if he did). It's because the damn things are vicious. But most of us have never seen an actual wolverine, so that picture up there comes as somewhat of a surprise. Look how cute he is! Then there's this:
And it's like watching a baby unhinge its jaw to swallow a kitten whole; the cuteness all instantly perverts into horror. So you know that the wolverine is somehow associated with berserker rage, and that it can transform from a cuddle machine into a threshing maw of horror in an instant. It's a psychopath, you get that. What you might not be getting, however, is the sheer scale of its madness: That berserker rage is not selective to animals its own size, animals it can realistically take, animals it wants to eat or animals that pose any direct threat to it. No, the wolverine will attack and eat everything from small rodents to arctic foxes to deer, musk ox and even bears.
Wait ... what? The fuck can that thing take on a bear? The sheer size difference makes it impossible.
Are we cheaping out here and counting one-sided fights where bears corner and devour wolverines while the tiny animals haplessly gnaw on the giant predator's ankles? Nope: Wolverines will actively stalk and attack larger predators by hiding on top of rocky outcrops or in trees, then leaping off onto their backs, biting, chewing, mauling and stomping on their spines like a backpack capable of hate.
But don't take our word for it -- witness all the random spite of nature firsthand:
The good news is that you've found a girl worth going through the trouble of meeting her parents. The bad news is that no matter how hard you try, her dad would just as soon kick you in the throat than welcome you into his family. The other bad news is that there's nothing you can do about it, because the universe is working to make sure the old man hates you forever. Here's why:
#6.
You Stink
And it's not because of your overindulgence of Axe body spray, either. Have you ever watched two dogs meet for the first time? There is a tensing of the muscles, a glare at each other, the raising of the fur, maybe the odd growl or two. Then the time honored ritual of sniffing the other's crotches. All that hullaballoo is about one thing: pheromones.
The dogs aren't just fooling around for the fun of it, hormone secretions are prompting them to behave this way. And if you think you and your girlfriend's dad are better than a bunch of street dogs, you've got another thing coming.
Why You Can't Win
You are getting your odor cooties all over his baby girl, and now he hates you for it.
"I'm gonna cut you like a side'a ham, boy."
And hates her, subconsciously. Smell is the only sense that plugs straight into the subconscious, which means that scents that you don't even know you're smelling affect your emotions and behavior. So, all his life this guy has subconsciously associated a particular smell with his daughter.
Maybe it was the smell of freesia laced with baby powder, who knows? But now she smells different. Why? Because of all that lovin' and touchin' and squeezin' you two have been doing. You've pretty much marked each other with your scents, and you've turned her into a stranger as far as his subconscious is concerned.
We see a loving couple. Her dad sees some dude getting stank all over his little angel.
At least you're not marking her by simply pissing on her, right? But good luck getting gratitude from her old man when you bring that up.
#5.
You are his Fail Mirror
The doorbell rings and there you stand, all ready for your big date. Maybe you brought flowers. Maybe you even tucked your shirt in, not just to impress your girlfriend, but to make a good impression on her parents. But guess what? Basic shirt tucking skills are only going to take you so far with this guy, because as far as he's concerned, you are a vision of failure, through and through.
Not your failures, but his.
Which is not to say that you aren't riddled with failure.
Why You Can't Win
Now, we're not saying that he's jealous because you're so incredibly awesome and dude, he's so incredibly lame. We're saying that no matter what age you are, everyone feels threatened by younger members of the same sex. Which is why we have these creepy stereotypes of "daddy's little girl" and "mama's boy" - because parents tend to favor their opposite sexed children. Partly because we condition boys to be our competitors, and partly because we're all petty animals at heart. You showing up on his doorstep is like slapping the old man in the face with his own flaccid manhood.
We apologize for that mental image. Here's a picture of some nuzzling penguins.
Keep in mind, every middle-aged guy has some regret -- you will, too, once you reach his age and realize that you will in fact never have your own rap label. So, when you show up to pick up this guy's daughter, it's not just that he sees the douche who's going to be boning his little girl later (which he does, but more on that in a minute) he also sees himself at your age and all the wasted years in between.
Then again, maybe your girlfriend's dad is a billionaire, sky-diving globetrotter who's accomplished everything he ever dreamed of doing. Maybe you're dating Virgin Branson, Jr. Surely a guy like that won't feel threatened by some punk ass kid such as yourself? Think again.
You can't buy youth. We've tried.
#4.
You are a Usurper
You could be as menacing as a McLovin/Urkel love child, sadistically named McLurkel. You could literally be a girl, it doesn't matter. When it comes to dating a man's daughter, you are first and foremost, a threat. And what you're threatening is his status as the alpha male, so you better take this shit seriously.
He will bite your face off.
Why You Can't Win
He is hardwired to see you as the enemy of his kingdom.
No matter how pathetically wimpish a man may be, he is always the alpha male of his own home and of his own children. For years, this guy has been the dominant man in his daughter's life. Suddenly, his begotten is ignoring him and slinking around with another man.
"Look at all those lemons. What's his game?"
And not even a real man, but some young kid, still wet behind the ears. One who, in the natural order of things, would easily be scared off with a simple growl, but now gets to lurk around and hold court with the king's little princess.
You're lucky he doesn't behead you in the town square as an example to the other horny young males.
#3.
He Instinctively Wants to Protect Her
You are, at the very least, thinking about boning his little girl, planning for it, and trying to make it happen as soon as humanly possible. The same little girl he has cherished and protected all her life. This one may seem a blinding flash of the obvious, but it is where the psychological aspects of the father/daughter relationship avert a sharp left turn into Gross Avenue.
As long as his hand stays on that couch everything is nice and PG.
Why You Can't Win
He is programmed to kill you.
Your girlfriend's dad is like the Terminator, and you're Sarah Connor. And the program that has been uploaded into this guy is called reverse sexual imprinting, or the Westermarck Effect, and once you find out what it is, you're going to be damn glad he has it.
Reverse sexual imprinting works like this: if two people are raised in close living quarters during the first few years of life for either or both members, they are somehow desensitized against sexual attraction to each other later in life. In other words, the Westermarck effect is the reason you don't want to bang your sister or your mom, and the reason that your girlfriend's dad doesn't see you as a sexual competitor.
Okay, not "the" only reason.
Instead, he sees you as the guy who is knowing his offspring carnally, and whatever sexual tension a nonrelative would feel after constant interaction with a hot girl in his house is now converted to an overwhelming sense of protection. Protection against you. The enemy. So tread carefully after that inevitable first fight with your sweetie, or you might find yourself on the business end of Daddy's shotgun. He's been itching for the chance to use it.
"You be careful, Ol' Zeke here gets excited when he smells urine."
#2.
He Sees You as an Annoying Child
It doesn't matter if her dad grew up in the same town as you, went to the same schools as you did, or even works at the burger station alongside you. It doesn't matter if you're the valedictorian of an Ivy League school and have a six figure job waiting for you after graduation. You can do the right things, dress the right way and say everything that you think he wants to hear, but your girlfriend's dad is still going to hate you. It's the generation gap at work.
"If only your generation could have a couple of real wars. That'd take care of all this Twitter and Nickleback nonsense."
Now, usually when young dudes hear "generation gap" they think of a lame, befuddled old man who's too square for the new, awesome music and technology. But you have to look at yourself through his eyes. When he looks at you, he's going to see this:
That's Fred, he of the many many YouTube videos where he speeds up his voice and squeaks and squeals and gets millions of hits for it. He even got a movie deal, and everyone over the age of 13 wants to stab their own ears out when they hear his stupid voice and see his stupid face. He's just so stupid and annoying and immature and teenager-y.
To her dad, you are Fred.
Why You Can't Win
While you may want to punch Fred's stupid face...
Really, there's no "may" about it.
...millions of YouTube subscribers love him. Specifically, millions of children. How is it possible? How can they be so stupid and like something that so clearly sucks? You wouldn't know unless you were their age. They wouldn't understand why he's irritating unless they are yours. That gap cannot be bridged.
And that's exactly what your girlfriend's dad is going to struggle with the minute you walk in the door. The things you find funny, the way you talk, the way you wear your clothes and comb your hair aren't going to just be foreign, they're going grate on his nerves. Kind of like when you friend a young relative on Facebook and you end up blocking them for their constant unironic LOL talk and heart-filled statuses.
That's for that little joy, information age.
He will feel about you the way you feel about Fred. Only you now have to imagine Fred humping your little girl.
#1.
You Make Him Look Bad to Her Mom
Young love is sweet. The passion, the excitement, the grand romantic gestures, the precious moments between the two of you. What you may not have noticed is that you have an audience, namely her mom. And she's watching carefully as you shower her daughter with attention, presents and affection, and whether she shows it or not, she's getting jealous.
She smiles while resentment devours her soul.
Guess who's going to bear the brunt of her envy? Your girlfriend's dad.
Why You Can't Win
It's another pheromone thing. Everybody knows about the supposed synchronization of menstrual cycles in women living together. So, in the same way that Mom can subconsciously pick up on her daughter's menstrual cycle, she can also sense those love pheromones that are getting sprayed around like sex-scented Febreze.
You can choose from "Vulva", "Taint Stink" and "Haitian Delight".
But even on a common sense, non-chemical level, it's going to be pretty hard for the lady to not resent your gifts of chocolates and overstuffed teddy bears and 18th century samurai swords that you keep bestowing on her daughter when the best she can hope for is an occasional "atta girl" and love handle pinch from her husband.
On the plus side? All the trashy romance novels you can read.
You can bet your bottom dollar he is going to feel that resentment, and channel it right back to you. This shit has a way of flowing downhill.
